I hear the cat a-comin', comin' down the hall
Slidin' `cross the linoleum, runnin' up 'n down the wall
And as I stumble out the bedroom, the cat decides to hide
And since I am too tired to find her, tonight the cat won't die

The cat is in the china, he's opened the cupboard door
He's pushing out the crystal – it shatters on the floor
So now I rush into the kitchen — the cat takes off and flies
And since I cannot seem to catch him, tonight the cat won't die

The cat done gave herself a bath, she's such a pretty sight
While sittin' on our Persian rug we just had cleaned tonight
So now she gurgles and she upchucks – now on our rug a hairball lies
And since I slipped upon that hairball, tonight the cat won't die

The cats have found the Christmas Tree, so pretty and upright
So they decide the tree is just a great spot for a fight
And as I rush into the parlor, the tree falls on its side
But since I cannot catch them both, today the cat's won't die

There's a shake, a roll, a thump, a rattlin' from the living room so dim
And I quickly rush to check it out, still barefoot to my chin
The Kleenex box has won the battle, on the cat's head it still resides
And since we both were busy laughing, tonight the cat won't die

Eighteen TP rolls per pack is cruel, the cat's new trick sets them free
But only till he kills each one—rips them all and sundry
And though he's stupid and I caught him, this fact I can't deny
If you beat a cat with a roll of Charmin — well, folks, the cat won't die

In the bay window of our kitchen, Hotel Henry's stained glass hangs
The cats think it's a play toy and they soon set it to swang
We watch as Henry's stained glass and kitchen floor collide
Then both cats dive into the basement, splitting up so we can't chase them
And since they hid behind the casement, today the cats won't die

This is my story so far, gospel truth each word I tell
And if cats are in your home, then you could testify as well
Be we have cats and they're all stupid, so there's still a
   chance as time goes by
That another verse will soon be added — and then the cats might die